mim.mov

I jump out of the uber and cross the road to the cafe. Myf is sitting at a table outside. No one else is outside, probably because it’s kinda cold.

I caught an uber because I - unexpectedly - only got home half an hour before I needed to leave and meet Myf…

We say hi, we have some general catch-up-friend-like chat. Myf orders a hot choccie and I order a double-shot flat white.

I ask Myf if it’s cool if I record our conversation, with the caveat that I know I’ve asked them this question a few times now. I’ve interviewed Myf several times before for various things. They’re a good interviewee, they have no filter, but they are also really considered in having no filter. I like them as a person and as an interviewee.

I start the recording on my phone.

Trust me, nothing that interesting was said prior to hitting the record button. (Or was it?)

So, how are you going? Did you get a break in between Storked and Trophy Boys?

We literally had our closing night party two days ago [for Storked].

Which was a month after the fact.

It was kinda weird, because it wasn’t a night time thing, it was during the middle of the day and it was a hummus and crackers kind of vibe.

But I realised, [at the party]

I’d never actually processed doing the show at all

and I’d just gone straight back into work.

What’s work?.

Just like VCA admin and also,

I was just so stressed about Trophy Boys,

I just threw myself so heavily into that,

Because I only have one week of rehearsals with the cast.

But, yeah, feeling good, feeling proud for the most part of the work.

It was probably the most personal work [Storked] you’ve done so far, right?

Yeah for sure.

It’s also just like, having random white men write to me,

Like, it should have been more accessible to the male gaze.

I was like, Diva, what the fuck?

Like I’m out here baring my soul.

I am actually into criticism that is interesting and nuanced,

But when it’s like,

You don’t even have a handle on syntax and you’re like,

I didn’t like it.

I’m like, shut the fuck up, actually.

I do not give a single fuck.

Myf’s hot choccie arrives.

Where’s my flat white? I really need that caffeine. I did not sleep at all last night…

Do you feel, because it was your most personal work to date, did you find yourself being like, ‘actually, I don’t care what anyone thinks about it?’

I’m not like; I only want to know if you like it.

But,

I did appreciate hearing people with shared experiences,

Particularly with chronic illness, with regard to reproductive health

And, just, gender queer people.

And gender queer families coming to my show and being like,

“oh, that was the first time I saw myself represented on a stage.”

And not that you have to like the show,

But that means a lot to me.

But like Maude [the director] at our closing night, said to me,

“Oh my god, I bumped into [REDACTED]”

Who was one of my teachers at VCA

“And she was like, ‘I fucking hated it!’”

And I was like,

It’s actually really nice to be at point where,

I’m no longer seeking that approval,

Because that would have driven me crazy.

But I’m like, [REDACTED] has never liked anything of mine,

And she probably never will.

And that’s ok.

I don’t know if I really answered your question.

Yeah, it’s so fine.

It genuinely is fine.

I say this even though I know Myf doesn’t need reassurance.

My flat white still hasn’t arrived… starting to feel like I can’t think about anything but caffeine. Also last night, because that was…!

Myf has their thinking face on.

I think being the writer and actor served as a kind of protection from reviews.

I wasn’t really commented on as an actor,

Because people were focused on my writing.

So I was pretty chill about reviews.

I was kind of free from being perceived in that way.

When you’re a writer [being reviewed],

You’re like,

“I spent a year writing this,

and you couldn’t even proofread for 10 minutes.”

So, actually eat my entire asshole,

You know?

Yeah haha.

I fucking love Myf. What a great line. “Actually eat my entire asshole, you know?” Almost as good as a shot of coffee.

Yeah I get that. I often just think about the amount of labour that goes into creating something, Let alone bothering to share it with people. I think we should respect that.

Yeah, I agree, but then I see some really bad trash,

And I’m the first to eviscerate it.

I don’t know,

I think you gotta take what you give.

So, Trophy Boys, that’s coming up soon, when did you hear that you got that role?

I heard about it around March, April,

So it was pretty close to Storked.

I just kind of made the decision,

I wasn’t going to even attack Trophy Boys until I’d finished Storked.

I was like, cool, I have a month after Storked until I start Trophy Boys, so like let’s go.

That wouldn’t work for a lot of people,

But I wanted them to be very separate endeavours.

Did you kind of just want to also give your full attention to your own work?

Yeah, I think I would feel icky with myself to prioritise Trophy Boys during Storked.

Because Trophy Boys is going to pay me well, you know?

So it would just feel really unkind to myself to just prioritise that because of money,

You know?

I just thought, I need to do the thing for me.

I also had a team behind me,

I didn’t want to half ass it when they’d rallied around me.

I really admire their integrity. Also, where the FucK is my flat white!? I should’ve slept some. But let’s be real, it was fucking worth it.

I feel like that’s a big thing with you, whenever I talk to you about your work, I notice your conscious effort to acknowledge and take care of other people’s labour.

And what that means for the work itself.

I think it is such a sadly unique perspective, that I don’t hear a lot.

You never compromise being passionate, caring about your work and sacrificing things in order to produce what you feel like you need to make, with thinking really hard about what everyone else’s experience is like.

How much they are willing to give the work or not.

And I think it’s unfortunate it’s unique perspective.

That’s really upsetting, if it is unique.

I think I had a moment with Storked where,

You know no part of me was like ‘I’ve made it’

But I had a production team behind me, I have like 15 people in this room,

Who have all come on board for this thing

And that’s so moving and exciting.

I wanted to ask you, how are you feeling energy wise?

‘Cause I’m feeling like I need a fucking double-shot flat white.

I think good. I have a bit of sadness around Storked.

I’m not quite sure why, but maybe,

It just wasn’t what I expected, or maybe,

It’s not like the production itself made me sad.

I think it is just the sense that it is done.

Like we did nine shows and then it was done and not many people saw it.

The people who did, a lot of those people said they were so moved, that I wish,

I wish I could have given that to more people.

It’s the sense of mourning that exact production.

Like that exact team.

We did some really cool visual stuff,

That a different design team would do differently.

Who knows what the cast would be next time.

I just don’t know if I have the momentum right now to put it up a second time.

Yeah I feel like you give yourself time to digest. I feel like you’re really intentional with how you pace out your work.

Yeah… Wait before we keep going, I don’t think your order went through.

Yeah, I was starting to wonder, wait let me pause this.

‘I pause the recording, and thank the gods that Myf stopped our conversation. I check my phone – yep, it didn’t go through.

I put through a new order - same order, double-shot flat white - click. Ok, now I can properly focus.

Ok, so, we were talking about pacing out your work.

Yeah, I think definitely for writing,

for acting it’s just because I’m not getting employed.

But for writing,

I don’t write something until I have something to say.

I write daily as a practice, like my poetry and lyricism all the time.

But in terms of actually bothering to put scenes together.

Writing a show is such a massive task that,

Like,

Why would I bother to write something random?

Unless I was commissioned, in which case I’ll do whatever you fucking want.

So how are you feeling about Trophy Boys? Are you excited?

My double-shot flat white arrives – the heavens part and the sun shines down on me.

Yeah, but also terrified, but mostly excited.

I’ve been dreaming of being on the Fairfax stage my whole life.

And now I’m like, what the fuck?

I think the scary part is I have one week in the room with the cast,

before being on display.

I think part of my sadness with Storked was being reminded of being perceived onstage.

Apparently some of our stuff ended up on some,

pretty disgusting regions of the manosphere online,

which we were protected from,

but our marketing manager was fielding left right and centre.

I think that really reminded me of being a person on display in a space.

As an actor, I don’t do it to be seen, I do it because that’s when I feel most in my element.

I think as a gender queer person,

Seeing how much hate there is online right now for this community.

I’m just like,

ugh,

I’m going to be perceived again.

Like, Emmanuelle Mattana [Trophy Boys writer and original performer],

Did an interview with ABC the other day.

And like it’s lovely, it’s beautiful.

Then the last line is like, “stepping into their role will be non-binary actor Myfanwy Hocking.”

And that’s all it says, it’s just like,

It would never be something like, “man actor Brad.”

It’s just weird.

Do you know when your next break is?

I feel like a lot of my work,

I’ve kind of lucked out with it.

Like the VCA admin pays me quite well and is pretty flexible.

I think maybe I’ll stay in Brisbane for a few days after Trophy Boys ends,

And just,

Sit with myself and try to speed up the process of processing.

Then I’ll come back and get to work.

I’m doing a fringe show with a friend called We Make Friends with Karl Marx.

And,

I’m literally playing the ghost of Karl Marx,

But I’m in a full body and face black morph suit.

I don’t speak, I’m just doing physical comedy.

So I think that will be really nice.

What’s your relationship to the future like? How do you think about the future for yourself?

It’s just about the dangled carrot, I think.

Like when I auditioned for Trophy Boys, I wanted it so fucking bad.

Like I really believed I would be perfect and get it.

But it took a long time to find out.

It is such an icky and disgusting period of waiting.

Which is by far the worst part of being an actor.

The future is scary, but I just hope this gives me a bit more of a platform.

Maybe people notice me.

Maybe this, maybe that.

I think I also feel so lucky and grateful for even having this opportunity,

Which so many artists don’t have at the moment.

Like it’s fucking hard, it’s really fucking hard at the moment.

Yeah, there’s a paper that got released the other day, about Victoria’s arts sector, and its finding was that it has never been harder to make a living in the creative arts.

Yeah, so many of my unbelievably talented friends have nothing.

And, like, I’ve just had nothing for several years prior to now.

You know?

I actually had given myself the promise that,

If I didn’t find anything by the end of this year,

I was going to give up acting.

Then I got the thing,

And it was like,

I guess I’m doing the thing for a bit.

You can go and see man-actor Brad… oh, wait, sorry I meant to say, actor Myfanwy Hocking in ‘Trophy Boys’ at Arts Centre Melbourne until August 23. If you're in Brisbane, the tour finishes there on August 30 at Queensland Performing Arts Centre.